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Basically everything is going great (minus the occasional con rage, sugar binge, and stupid hormonal girl feelings - but those are normal).

ECCC and Sakuracon are very soon. ECCC is gonna be great - I'm going to proxy stalk Ryan North and see Christopher Judge (worth $40 for a picture? My heart says yes, but my head says no). Sakuracon I'm going to kick everyone's butts who gives me trouble and charm everyone else. Celebrating 5 years of A Star Wars panel!!! This year was tough work though - dealing with a mostly broken Panels system is no bueno. Gonna fix that shit next year so I can step down in 2014.

More certainish in my future? I really want to be a teacher, but I'm very scared that I won't be good at it. I know that's no reason to try (but I don't want to pay for school and then realize I'm terrible at it - I've gotten by with extremely minimal loans so far and I'd like to keep it that way). We'll see. I need to start doing my pre-reqs (math, lab science) by Fall Quarter this year if I hope to start school sometime in 2013. Work has been fine, though. Sometimes busy, sometimes not, but I've settled in quite nicely.

No complaints about the boyfriend. It's been kind of a trip to be with someone who, you know, actually appreciates me and pays attention to me and wants to do things with me.

The real news is that I'm going to start a blog (omg a real one) in April after all of this hectic con stuff blows over. It'll mostly be about fitness/nerd stuff and how sometimes they go together. As I'm finally starting to lose weight (8 pounds this month!) due to some good and healthy lifestyle changes, I need to figure out new ways of motivating myself. I can't think of a better way than PUBLICLY SHAMING MYSELF into not being fat.
...Or also, I keep 98% of my weight loss struggles/methods/feelings to myself and I don't think it helps or is good for me. And maybe people will read it.
I am feeling so sluggish and unmotivated and uninspired.

I'm not even into Christmas this year. I'M ALSO SO, SO, SO INTO CHRISTMAS. I even have a tree and lights in my tiny apartment but it just makes me sad. Also, Pa hasn't gotten the ornaments out yet, so my tree is bare besides the lights :( boo hoo!

So, I'm trying to give Greg a shot. And I've already been scolded by most of the people who know about it, haha. I dunno. I told him that I would want to get back together because I love him and I'm committed to trying to make thigns workout, BUT since I haven't heard or felt the same sentiments from him, I need to know why he wants to get back together with me. I said that being in a relationship and having me around is very different - one requires more effort on his part than just inviting me over. I said that I need to feel appreciated and thought about. I said that because he's said he'd try before when he clearly didn't, I am very afraid of trying again and that I needed some kind of proof or a sign that he really means it this time. He asked me what that would be, and I told him that I a) have no idea myself and b) only he can tell/show me how he feels about and why he wants to be with me (although asking me to come to Texas with him for xmas would be a sure fire hit). I said that we can't get back together just because we were both sad, lonely, and uncomfortable for a week. He has to mean it. For realsies.

I started seasonal work at See's yesterday. ONCE YOU LEAVE RETAIL, YOU CAN NEVER FUCKING GO BACK TO RETAIL. I hated it, I was sooooo fucking stressed out all.the.time. Not even the free candy makes it worth it. BUT, I did just buy a $600 computer (that I'm already regretting), so, you know. Gotta make the money. It's only 5 more shifts.

IN HAPPIER NEWS. I hung out with my friend Carly, from those Kitchen Shop days, for the first time on Friday. IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE HER. And she lives like a 10 minute drive from me / SO CLOSE TO SUSHILAND.

Also, Leigh moved to Seattle :D She's about 3 fucking blocks away from my work, and totes a walking distance from my place! I'm so glad to be having friends SO CLOSE that you can just be like "hey, I'm bored. Wanna watch some netflix and eat some snacks?" and it happens. That's what I miss most about college. HAVING FRIENDS. (that you don't have to *make plans* with)

If only Matthew came back (stupid Army) and Abi moved back (stupid Oregon) then I would be in happy friend time ALL THE TIME.
...because it's embarrassing when you start crying from reading shoujo manga in a cafe.

I haven't been sleeping well, I wake up a million times a night. It makes me feel tired all day and just generally worn out. It also makes me not go to the gym in the morning because I just want to stay in bed.

I need to pay more attention and get more organized with con work. And get all my panels in. Whoops.

I have to decide what to do about getting into teaching. I've been hearing a lot of bad stuff about Teach for America lately. Going to look into a teaching program in Texas (it's so hot, but at least I'll be tan ALL THE TIME) that Abi's friend is in. Might have to get the fuck outta seattle for a while. Might be for the best!

Starting tomorrow I will not have another day off until Christmas! Aaah, reminds me of last my hardworking youth.







....also Greg wants to get back together.
Fuck.

I ran away to Portland for the long weekend. Hung out with Abi and Cody for a couple days and then with FP, JB Meg, Lizzie (and the rest) Saturday night for FP's birthday. It was fun! I spent too much money and lazed around. And then spent more money on Cyber Monday. On myself. Like a whole desktop and three dresses and Star Wars Toys.

Buuuuut then I came back. And it was life as usual. Made a really cool friend. Which makes me feel awful. Because he likes me in *that way.* And I know, I know, I usually throw myself back into dating ridiculously quick and he's a suuuper cool hyper nerd with an adorable fauxhawk, but I can't this time. Even though I know that Greg and I couldn't work things out and it was as much of a mutual break up as anything, I'm not okay with it. I miss him too much and I second guess everything I've done, and every fucking thing reminds me of him. And I have no doubt that he doesn't even notice I'm gone...checking NeoGaf all day, playing video games and watching Netflix all night, doesn't mind going to bed or waking up alone. He meant a lot to me, but I can't shake the feeling that our relationship didn't mean that much to him. He might've spent money on me, but I wish he would've thought about me a little more instead...

It's only been a week. I shouldn't be okay yet. But I didn't think that I'd be *this bad.*

Appointment with David tomorrow...I hope he has some useful things to say about all this because I am currently at a loss.

You're in my very soul, tormenting me.

So uh...

Greg and I broke up. At 4:40 am after we went to a midnight showing of The Muppets.

I told him about everything I already ranted about here... the mixed signals, his lack of effort to work on the things he's unhappy about, him taking his moods out on me. He told me again that as a friend and as a companion he couldn't be happier... but he felt such a disconnect with our sex life. A problem with our intimacy. I don't think he quite knows that there's a huge difference between sex and intimacy. The kind of sex he wanted had none. I realize now that although he wanted to have sex, he didn't want to have sex with ME. I gave him the choice of staying together if he honestly worked hard on reaching his goals and actually put in effort into our relationship. OR break up. After a couple hours of silence he said he should probably break up because he doesn't think he can get over his issues.

I still have to go back and get all my stuff from his apartment. I was supposed to on Wednesday evening, but he never texted me to say he was home so I could come over.

I've been ok. Better than I expected, but it gets pretty bad sometimes. Like I almost started crying at Thanksgiving dinner with my mom because she brought up plans for Christmas... Greg had wanted to take me home with him to meet his family.

I don't really know what to do. Usually I just rush myself right back into dating.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

For a non drama-rama post

The good:
My birthday trip to California was amaaaazing~! Well, the actual traveling wasn't (Greg hate hate hates traveling so he was in a really poor mood on our way there/back), but the trip itself was so good! Got a free upgrade with GPS for our rental car, which came in handy as phone directions/googlemaps wasn't the best to use.
Seaworld was fun - we did a Penguin Interaction Tour and got to pet penguins/hang out in the habitat (so cold) for a little bit! They were so interested that they had visitors. Penguins are ultra soft and I'm so happy that we got to do it! They took out the sting ray touch tank, though (since I was last there - 20 years ago), which bummed me out. Greg really liked the sea lion show - it was very cute, he had never seen that kind of stuff before :)
DISNEYLAND OMG DISNEYLAND WE STAYED IN THE DISNEYLAND HOTEL. THE HEADBOARDS OF THE BED LIT UP WITH FIREWORKS AS A MUSIC BOX VERSION OF "A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR MAKES" PLAYS AND I JUST ABOUT CRIED. It rained for the morning of our first day there, but we ended up rocking it out the whole day (7am-midnight) there! On our first day we ended up on Star Tours 6 times and Space Mountain 4 times. We did another 4 times each the next day! Those were Greg's favorite rides... he was seriously giddy after every Space Mountain ride! So cute. The boys who worked Star Tours kept recognizing us/me. To be fair, on Sunday, I was decked out in full Star Wars (RotJ dress, R2 and Threepio hairclips, Vader Ring, my tats showing, etc). So many peopele stopped me to comment! Even fistbumps. We watched Fantasmic and had great seats even though we got there about 10 minutes before it started. Then ran really fast to ride Big Thunder and Indy before the rides closed for the night. The Star Wars Jedi Training Academy was just about the COOLEST THING I have ever seen.
For our last day we spent by the beach at Greg's dad's. He was actually really nice, but just didn't know what to say, I think! We got coffee with one of Greg's good friends from high school who lives down there. I think it inspired Greg to get back to work and finish his goals. I wish I could meet the rest of his family!

The whole thing was just really....magical. Greg wasn't even seriously upset about walking all day or waking up early because we had so much fun. All we could do is smile at each other and laugh and hug and have a good time. Everything was so nice there and I felt so close to Greg and like I was a real priority in his life.

The bad...Collapse )

The exciting:
I've decied to apply for Teach For America again! I stopped the process last night (right as I was graduating) because I was having a crisis about what I really wanted to do. Now that I know for sure that I want to go into teaching, this is the best option for me. Grad school is too expensive (but is my fall back option if I don't get in) and I would prefer to be thrown right into it. Plus, it might be good for me to get out of Seattle for a couple years. Try my luck somewhere else (that's less beardy). The placement options I'm looking at right now are LA, San Diego, San Fransisco, and Hawaii. My dad is pushing for Hawaii - he says I'll fit in there, but really, I think he just wants to come visit! I'm gonna prepare a lot and try really hard to impress them. I really want to do this and it's definitely the best way for me to kick off my future ~career~.
Sometimes I seriously just want to go to bed and not wake up for days, months, years, forever. It's not because I'm tired. I just don't want to deal with being so anxious and worried and insecure all the time.

Good thing I'm back in counseling.

Watched Toy Story 3 again. Cried again.

I had a sexy con dream. It really threw me off because I was with a brunette. Say whaaaat?! And he had adorable floppy hair. And somehow was staying in Stark's room, but Stark wasn't there. And Leigh got angry at me because we were sharing a room, but I got other people in the room (because I'm cheap) and then I didn't even stay in the room. But most importantly, it was sexy. Which makes me feel really weird.

JB Meg and Patrick were up in the are visiting internet friends this weekend. I got to have brunch with them before they headed back down to Oregon. It felt really good to see them :) I need to make a trip down to portland sometime to hang out with everyone.

Watched Leigh do stand up and she did so well! Makes me wanna try, haha.

Greg is. Welp. He's Greg. Finally on Saturday night (after finally seeing him Friday after Comedy and then hanging out with him all Saturday morning). I just kept crying and crying because he was acting like nothing happened/still distant and like he didn't want to talk to me. So I told him about how hurt my feelings were and how I took my birthday card and this amazing vacation we're theoretically going on as a sign that he had feelings for me that I HOPED he had. But then I just didn't understand when he kept pulling away and acted like he didn't want to talk to me and didn't care if I was in his life and how all I needed for him was just to say SOMETHING about what he was feeling and he couldn't do that. So I was just hurt and confused and didn't understand what was going on.

He didn't say anything. He huggeed me and kissed me and proceeded to be much more affection the rest of the night/Sunday and didn't say anything. So I want to believe that we're good, but I just don't understand how he can expect me to accept it as an answer?

So I left a note this morning saying that I hoped we were ok, but if we're not and if he has any worries about being in a relationship with me then I wanted to know now. I'd hate to go on a vacation that would melt my heart and make all my dreams come true only to come back to him pulling away from me again and nothing wanting to see me.

It would be waaaaay more heartbreaking than if he just ended things now. I want to believe he loves me when we stand in front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle.

I have too many things everywhere!
I need to get organized for reals.
I don't think I can explain how hurt my feelings are right now.

Things with Greg were going great. super great. For my birthday he's taking me on a trip to california in about two weeks.

Of course, since this past Friday night (after Sci-Fi at the Pops which was amazing), he's been distant and says he's depressed and won't tell me why. Yesterday he didn't speak to me. This morning he says that he is/was upset at everything and doesn't know if we're okay.

what. the. fuck.

I don't know how his feelings for me can change so dramatically and so often without any explanation.

Of course this happens. I was going to go on my (short) DREAM vacation. We were going to hug penguins at Sea World and take a picture in front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle and he even got reservations for the Disneyland Hotel. I was going to meet his dad.

Of course.

I've been crying silently off and on at work, trying to keep what little dignity I have (I look obviously like I am/was crying). The next 7 hours can't go fast enough. I would like to hole up in my apartment with Stargate Atlantis and pretend that I'm ok. Fuck.
So uh.

NEW JOB: It's only been the last couple days that I've felt useful and worthwhile at this job. I'm having a hard time because I feel like I'm having my personality suppressed and that I can't make any friends because the people my age are pretty different (sorority girls) or everyone besides that have children of their own. I mean, most people are really nice, but not anyone that I could strike up a conversation with about some of my nerdier interests. I haven't been given enough work/training to feel like I'm competent and that is something that's REALLY hard for me to deal with because I have a really good work ethic and a need to prove myself, but I don't feel like I've had a change to express either of those until the last couple days. Fingers crossed.

MOTORCYCLES: Greg and I got into a terrible fight about it because I was stressing out about riding and feeling mega pressured, but couldn't effectively communicate that to him. So he said he regrets ever teaching me and I went on a solo ride the following morning (which felt good), but haven't drove one since. So. We'll see. I'm pretty disappointed that he won't help me anymore and without someone guiding me I feel like I can't learn/buy my own bike. BUT, I understand how frustrating it must've been for him so I don't blame him for not wanting to take on that responsibility anymore. So, I guess that's the end of that?

VAY-CAY: Greg and I went to the Oregon Coast (Seaside and Newport) for a mini vacation last weekend. It was lovely and besides being soaked for two days while riding the motorcycle, it was really great! Seaside was cute - a complete tourist/year-round-carnival type town. We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium and the Seaside Aquarium. There was a blind harbor seal at the Seaside Aquarium and it broke my heart. It still does whenever I think about him. POOR SEAL.

DUNNO WHAT TO DO FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

I MISS MY DAD - HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN LIKE A MONTH.

I'm happy that Greg and I are still together, but I also have come to terms with the fact that he's leaving sometime within the next few months. I know him so well that it honestly makes me really sad to think that I'll never meet his family. I'll never play with his niece Maddy. I'll never endear myself to his sister by finding her a cool owl-themed present on etsy. I'll never have a heart-to-heart talk with his brother Kyle. I'll never hear his mom tell embarrassing stories about him or see how awkward his dad behaves with waitresses when they go out to eat. It all makes me very sad.

BLAH BLAH BLAH I'm gonna lose weight (1,000,000 time I've promised it).

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