I went to the NKOTBSB concert with Leena and Michelle. OMG IT WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING. I have been a fan of New Kids on the Block since I was 3 years old (there's photographic proof), so seeing them in concert with them performing my most favorite songs was a twenty year old dream come true! And I'm amazed that my subconcious mind stored the lyrics to those songs. Who knew I still know all of the words to "Cover Girl?" NOT ME. But I do. Also, Donnie and Joey are SOOOOO good looking and muscular and tattoo'd and Joey wore cop boots. COP BOOTS GUYS. And Donnie and I grasped hands (the way that famous people grasp their fans) TWICE when they came out into the audience. Swoon.
Still haven't found a new job. Still applying for new jobs. At the moment, I'm less angry at the caffe than I had been so it's not horrendous that I'm still there. I still gotta find some volunteering stuff, but I always find it difficult to write those introductory e-mails about why I'm interested and what I hope to gain blah blah blah. I will do it though! I need to broaden my horizons and fill up my schedule.
My work outs are going halfassedly. I'm going to do better starting today. Also, YOGA IS PAINFUL. I also don't stretch my muscles very much.
I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow (wednesday). I'm hoping it'll give me some insight/direction/piece of mind about why I've been feeling so off and worthless. I know it just may be stereotypical 20-something-year-old directionless angst, but seeing a professional during my last quarter at UW was beneficial so I think it's a good idea to try again. OH SELF IMPROVEMENT.
I've been getting pretty nauseus and intensely headachey quite often over the last three days. It's kind of worrying. But I'm stubborn so I'm never gonna do anything about it until something REALLY bad happens.
I kind of want to take sewing lessons. My self-taughtness gets me by, but I'd really like to be able to use/make patterns and make stuff that doesn't necessarily LOOK homemade in quality (just that fact that it's made out of a Disney bedsheet). Any suggestions?
I also think I'm gonna do NaNoWriMo. Is that the right shorthand? I don't know/ it doesn't matter.
I need to go on a mother fucking trip somewhere.
So, 6 months ago today I had my first date with Greggers. I know, in the grand scheme of things, 6 months doesn't seem that long. But it is (especially since my last 3 relationships have lasted between 10 and 12 months).
This one has felt really different from my previous long term relationships. For starters, I see Greg all. the. time. Since the last time he went to Texas about 3 months ago, I've spent every night with him. I still sometimes feel like a guest at his place, though, and I'm wary about getting into too much of his space. But I really like being with him that often. Even though I usually fall asleep before him and I'm almost always off to work hours before he wakes up, being able to so consistently wake up next to someone you love is really gratifying.
Yeah, that's right, I said love. I do love him. And real love - not just the romantic sexy not-quite-thought-through love. I love his personality and his way of thinking about things and even the fact that he trolls me to show affection. I also love that he can't stop eating pixie stix until he gets stomach aches and how he gets tunnel vision when working on a project or researching about motorcycles and I even love him when he's cranky because he's tired and hungry. I even love him when he wakes me up in the middle of the night a couple hours before my alarm goes off to show me something on the computer.
The hard part is, I can't tell him any of this. I try to show my feelings the best I can through my actions, but I've had to bite my tongue a couple times when I've wanted to blurt it out after he did something adorable or used just the right Star Wars quote. I can't tell him because a while ago he told me that we view our relationship differently and just a couple days ago he told me he was unsure about committment (right when I wanted to tell him I loved him! Talk about timing!). I don't expect him to feel the same way. I also don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't feel is right or drive a wedge between us because he feels bad that he can't return my sentiments.
Anyway, back to the actual relationship. I've grown the most as a person and as part of a couple being with Greg. I've learned to communicate better (although I'm still pretty bad at it - there is a slight improvement). I've also had the experience of being completely honest and vulnerable. The vulnerable part wasn't great, but it was a good experience to have. And he's been able to share personal things with me too. Maybe you can't hope to really trust someone until you do that. With that, I guess I started off with Greg trying to trust him and not trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Of course, that has had the negative effect of being easily impacted by what happens between us or what I THINK happened between us.
I don't think we'll make it to a year. Not because I don't think we COULD, but because Greg is planning on finding a new job ASAP once September comes and he's not looking to stay in Seattle. I try not to think about it. I don't want to check myself out from the relationship early and I don't want it to make me depressed and ruin the time we have now. But I'm 99.99% sure that if we're still together by the time he finds a new job that he wouldn't ask me to come with him. I don't expect him to. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't if things were right, but just that it's not something I'm holding my breath about. I mean, I had similar plans about Ryan and Tyler and look how GREAT those turned out. I'm never going to be dating someone during Christmas!!!
But anyway, this was more of a speculation (confession?) for myself than anything else. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and then you'll accept them and feel better about them. I love Greg and just because he can't say the same for me doesn't mean he doesn't care about me and it doesn't make our relationship bad or unfulfilling.